some customers: oh my god i’m so sorry i have to ask you a question i feel so foolish for not knowing this already please help me but i’m so sorry forgive me
other customers: answer this question before i’ve even asked it or i’ll kill you where you stand
me replying to messages 10 days late and blaming it on my busy schedule to hide the fact that my depression has me thinking simple correspondence is an actual workload:
if anyone would like to learn a couple tricks for carving pumpkins:
- dont cut out the top to scoop out the seeds, cut out the bottom instead. this way the pumpkin doesnt cave in on itself and lasts longer
- sprinkle some cinnamon inside at the top after carving. this way when you put the candle in it smells like pumpkin pie
this is the quality content I wanna see on my dash
- rub the i sides with lemon after you’re done scooping. This will also help preserve the pumpkin
It’s fucking June, at least wait until the fourth of July, you animal.
I’m sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of me disemboweling this pumpkin.
me, crouched down in front of my tomato plants, examining a pattern of insect bites on their lower leaves: i’m going to fucking kill whoever did this. i’m going to kill them for you. don’t worry, babies. I’m going to murder every single son of a bitch who ever got a mouthful of you. they’ll die screaming
my neighbor, who i did not realize was also outside, standing behind the fence: oh! okay. you’re talking to the plants. okay.
Lady in store with pug:
He's so cute! He's always snorting and grunting :)
What I said:
Awww!
What I thought:
He's grunting and snorting because he has chronic breathing problems as a result of being the extremely inbred abomination consequence of man playing God.
